Posts Tagged ‘River Walk’

I took a trip to San Antonio last week. I arrived with a smile and ambition and left with the taste of tequila in my mouth and a huge black and purple bruise on my hip.  The photo below should explain a lot…

smile por favor


That is me, in a sombrero, with a dart in my hand. This looks like a scary situation I am sure but please believe that I am quite alright. I just had 1 margarita at the time.  3 drinks later I was still feeling good. I spend my first night in San Antonio learning to throw, playing rock music on the juke box and eating shelled peanuts at the bar.  

I won’t indulge you with the details of why I was there, just know this: San Antonio is dangerous.  

Besides the obvious “getting pelted in the head with a dart by a tipsy blonde in a sombrero”, there are a few reasons why if you want to visit San Antonio, you should do so with a Helmet.  

Below are the reasons why:  



1.  Risk of Heart Attack  

It’s not the Mexican food that will kill you, it’s the BBQ. This is Rudy’s. It’s known for having The Worst Bar-B-Q in Texas. At Rudy’s you order food by the serving, which for meat is 1/4 a pound.
Rudy’s will hand you an empty cola case as a tray and load you up with enough country food to feed a small army of barefoot Kentucky children.
 Another factor for heart attack would be the giant Texas margaritas; that’s a whole different ballgame.
2. Being too touristy

Is that a smile?


At the Alamo, a Texas treasure, my friends were playing up on my lack of knowledge and telling me to ask around about the basement in the Alamo. I wasn’t going to fall for that one, but I was persuaded to ask an Alamo guard to take a photo with me.
“He’ll love it” my friend insisted. “Say that you have always wanted to meet a Texas Ranger.”
He was less than enthusiastic about me calling him a Texas Ranger and I believe with all of my being that he would have reached out and punched me had we not been in public.
Don’t taze me bro!

The Alamo


I also went to the Alamo during the day so that I could get a peek inside. Here I was among other touristy people so the chances of a Alamo guard smack-down were a bit slim. 

and it was good.


  There was a lot more to see during the day, including a garden area with a wicked cool old tree, some canons and artifacts.  

I love it. And I was smart enough to know not to disrespect The Alamo. Texas know how to keep they pimp hands strong.  

3. Falling into the river walk  

Ok, it probably wouldn’t kill you to fall into the 3 feet of water that makes up the famous San Antonio River Walk, but you could certainly catch a nasty cold from all the ewwie goowie stuff that’s in there.  



Paroozing the River Walk was certainly an enjoyable part of the day. There are hundreds of hotels, shops, restaurants and ducks located along the man-made river’s edge.  

Everyone once in a while you will see a boat loaded with out-of-towners headed down the water with a loud tourguide yelling about a historic marker.  

I enjoyed the pumpkin spice latte I got from Starbucks as I walked up and down and up and down every part of that walkway. It was fall, but it was still 80 degree in Texas.  

Along the way I did come across another touristy thing to do, that will no doubt point out to everyone around you that you are in fact a tourist, that you don’t care if they know it and that you are willing to look ridiculous. This event is known as The Trying On of the Coon Skin Hat.  

so fetch.



4. Smoke inhallation
San Antonio is one of the few cities left that lets their patrons suck on a cancer stick in public and private places. From my cold dead hands, right Texas?
I met up with some friends and headed down to a restaurant and a few bars, only to be consumed in a death cloud of tobacco. I feel like such a weenie but my eyes were burning and I could feel the smell soaking up into my hair. I did the only thing I could think of to put myself in a better mood… I went over the juke box, I slumped over, and I pouted.
This is a classic sign of, “I want to hear Hall and Oats, but gee, I have no money.”
Works like a charm! Thanks pink shirt guy!
The best part of the night, and coincidently, the most painful part of my trip comes with San Antonio’s Hazard #5…
5. Fall off of the World Largest Pair of Cowboy Boots
There is probably a reason why they surround them with sharp and point cactus plants. I was hoping it was just for decoration and not to try and keep people off of them.
After several attemps of trying to climb them, slipping off and trying again, I managed to find the best way up. 
The next challange was trying to figure out how to get my friend up too.

great success

She is a bit shorter than me so I ended up just pulling her up.  

The hardest part by far was trying to get down without landing in a cactus.
My friend shouted, “just jump I will catch you!” Standing at 5 feet and weighing in at 115 lbs, I highly doubted she would have the strength to hold me as I tumbled down this monster.

So I just jumped. I hit the side of the boot and I bruised myself like a peach.  

I did not see a sign that said not to climb on these, so I am sure I am not the only jerk that has hurt themself on these things. Still, next time I go to San Antonio, I will know to procede with caution.




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